I Belong To Me (Theo)

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

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Vivian finally made it to the Slytherin girl’s dormitories, opened the door, and stepped inside the dorm for the 5th years. Mercifully, it was empty. She took a few steps inside, not sure what to do. Inside she was in turmoil.

She had told Theo that she loved him, and had kissed him, and he… he had rejected her. He didn’t feel the same. She had left him standing by the lake, and hadn’t looked back to see if he tried to follow her. Vivian had walked half in a daze, almost not realising where she was going. Eventually she had made it back to where she slept. She looked at the bed, wondering if she should crawl up inside of it and… and what? Cry? She never cried. But now, for once, she felt like it. The rejection was white hot, and the realisation of what had happened was coming slowly and steadily, in waves washing over her. He didn’t want her.

Hot tears filled her eyes, and Vivian wiped them away fiercely. The pain made it hard to breathe, but she did so anyway. She had to. She walked over to her bed and pulled off her shoes, her socks, and her jeans. She lay on her side in her t-shirt and underwear, and curled up into a ball, as though trying to smother the gaping hole inside of her. But it didn’t work. Nothing was working. All she could think was that he didn’t want her.

Vivian stood up, and walked over to the mirror, wiping tears away as she went. She stood there in her t-shirt, looking at herself. She was beautiful. She had always been beautiful. Everyone wanted her, everyone, except him. Theo didn’t want her. What was wrong with her?

Nothing, she thought, there was nothing wrong with her. She looked the same as she always had- beautiful, strong, and desirable. But maybe Theo didn’t want her because of something inside… inside, Vivian knew, she wasn’t perfect. Did Theo think she couldn’t love him because she usually supressed her emotions? Because of what had happened to her with her parents?

If he did, he was wrong. Maybe she wasn’t the perfect girl he had imagined for himself. Maybe he pictured someone sweet and whole. Not damaged goods. But Vivian didn’t want to try to persuade Theo to love her. She wasn’t sweet or charming, she wasn’t innocent, she wasn’t unmarked or without emotional scars. He hadn’t made her giddy and excited when they met. Theo hadn’t come along and swept her off her feet. She hadn’t had any feelings towards anything, and for a long time Theo had been included in that. It hadn’t happened like in a story. It wasn’t like that. But that didn’t mean she didn’t love him. The kind of love she had for Theo had built up slowly over a long time. Maybe that wasn’t particularly exciting as falling head over heels, but it was strong, and steady. She was unwaveringly loyal. It wasn’t the kind of love that was fleeting. And that was worth something. She was worth something. Why couldn’t Theo see that?

But no matter how much she loved him, Vivian knew that she wouldn’t try to buy his love. She wouldn’t try to change herself. She wouldn’t try to persuade him. She loved him but she didn’t need him, she thought, as she walked towards the bathrooms, tears streaming down her face. She wasn’t nothing without him. She wasn’t nothing no matter what, and no matter what anyone said. She was a person in her own right. That was worth something, she knew it was.

Vivian turned on one of the showers, and pulled her t-shirt over her head. She dropped it on the floor, and soon her underwear followed. She stepped inside, pulling the shower curtain closed, and let the warm water wash over her, soaking her hair as she cried.

He doesn’t want me, she thought, he doesn’t want me. She let her pain take her, and let herself sob. All she could feel was an empty hole where Theo had been. Her love for him was eating her apart. She already missed him so much she felt like she had lost a limb. Because she couldn’t be friends with him, not now. She’d have to stand on her own, live a new sort of life without him.

But even as she cried, she didn’t lose her resolve not to go to pieces, not to change for him. I’m beautiful, she thought, I’m strong. I am not nothing. He touched me and she hit me and they changed me, but I am not nothing. There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with me.
“There’s nothing wrong with me!” she screamed into the shower, her voice cracking and going slightly horse from her sobs. “There’s nothing wrong with me…” she said again, her sobs wracking her body as she held onto herself, tears mixing with the water and washing away. She felt better for finally letting out some emotion, for once. Somehow shouting at nothing in particular helped.

She stayed in the shower until it started to go cold. It took a very long time, and when she finally turned off the water she heard some of her dorm-mates chatting in the bedroom. Vivian stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in a towel, staring at herself in the mirror, brushing her wet, dripping hair back and out of her face. She picked up a comb and started to detangle it mechanically, the familiar routine making her feel calmer. She was done crying now.

Vivian didn’t speak to her dorm-mates that night, but that wasn’t unusual. She pulled on a t-shirt to sleep in, and climbed into her bed. Her hair was still wet, but she didn’t care. It would dry during the night. Slowly, her dorm-mates went to bed too, one at a time, until the dormitory was dark and silent. Then, many hours later, Vivian finally managed to sooth herself to sleep.

*

The next day had been tough, but Vivian had taken a mechanical approach. She had put one foot in front of the other, done each task she needed to do without thinking about anything else. She had gone to class, eaten in the great hall, and above all else she had avoided Theo. She avoided seeing him, she avoided talking to him, and she avoided thinking of him. She wouldn’t allow herself to dwell on him. She kept her face impassive, determined not to let the cracks show. That night she had shed a few tears as she lay in bed, but even that had been a brief indulgence.

The next day things had come more automatically. She was starting to slip back into the habit of not feeling things, although it wasn’t coming easily. All the pain and all that love for him were still bubbling below the surface, but she pushed it down. That day she had seen Theo in the corridor. She had held her head high and walked right past him, but when she was out of sight she had escaped into the girl’s bathroom. She had leant against the sink, her breathing slightly heavy, staring at herself in the mirror. She fought the tears, and then she pushed what she was feeling down so deep and so forcefully she felt sick from it. But she had done it. She was late to class, but she sat through it. And that night she had gone to find Derrick Wilkes.

Wilkes had always shown a very pronounced interest in her. He was a seventh year, tall, good looking, strong. He was in a gang known for their hatred of muggleborns, and for a love of the dark arts. But Vivian didn’t care about that. What she wanted was a distraction, and Wilkes would provide a good one. She had gotten him alone, and flirted. It hadn’t taken much at all. Before long he was kissing her roughly, his hands roaming over her body, groping and squeezing rather unpleasantly. But he was warm and strong and his lips on hers helped her to forget. She forced herself not to think of Theo.

Derrick had wanted more than she was willing to give him, but he hadn’t tried to force her hand. She wasn’t sure what he told his friends, but the next day Vivian got even more stares and whispers than usual. They were extremely easy to ignore. She couldn’t have cared less what anyone thought of her. Especially not… him.

The day after that, Derrick had sought her out, and they had repeated their snogging session. Again he’d wanted more, but Vivian hadn’t wanted to give it to him. Whenever his hands would get a little bit too adventurous she was reminded forcibly of her step-dad, and the memory made her sick. He seemed to sense that she was serious about not going any further, and didn’t press her again. She didn’t know what he was saying about her, but she didn’t care to begrudge him some bragging rights. He was giving her something, after all. He was giving her an escape.

After that Derrick became too familiar to her, and that wasn’t territory she wanted to get into. But she didn’t need to go to the trouble of finding someone else. Rodlphus Lestrange, a seventh year and captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team, approached her in the common room that evening, and suggested that they take a walk. Vivian had gone out into the cold, slightly damp grounds with him, and when they found a secluded spot he had wasted no time. He put his cloak on the ground for her, a gentlemanly gesture, though she wasn’t fooled. Rodolphus had lain on top of her as he kissed her, and she had let herself get lost in the feel of him. He pressed against her, his hands everywhere, running up her leg and hiking up her skirt. Again, she stopped him before he got too far, and again he tried to persuade her, but Vivian wouldn’t do anything unless she wanted it. What would be the point in that? And she didn’t want it. She was immovable.

Again, she didn’t know what Rodolphus had told the rest of the Slytherins, and she didn’t care. She had stayed away from him for a little while, meeting up instead with another member of the Slytherin Quidditch team, a sixth year named Tristan Mulciber.

By now Vivian was garnering quite a reputation. It seemed as though the ice queen had started to thaw. Vivian didn’t know or care (at least, that’s what she told herself) what Theo thought about what she was doing. She was avoiding him just as much as she had done that first day.

*

Vivian hadn’t really wanted to go to the party that night. It was a Friday, and a little over a week had passed since she had told Theo she loved him, and he had rejected her. Getting up in the morning, getting dressed, making herself move and eat and function, were all still coming harder than they had before. She made it through her days in a forced state of emotionlessness, and she made it through her nights in the arms of various boys. When they kissed her a part of her felt disgusted with herself, but as long as she forced herself not to think of Theo’s lips and his arms around her she was okay. She didn’t want to go to this stupid party, but she wouldn’t have Theo thinking he’d driven her away. So she put on an outfit she knew made her look stunning, a prize all the boys in Slytherin would want. She brushed out her blonde hair till it shone, and she put on a bit of make-up, just enough to make her skin glow and her eyes stand out more. The hint of dark eyeliner brought out the green of her eyes. She was pleased with the results, but still not pleased with the prospects of this party.

The second she had walked in she had grabbed a drink and downed it. Then someone brought her another, and this one she sipped more slowly. It didn’t take long before he found her.

“Blackwell.” Vivian heard Rodolphus’ Lestrange’s deep voice over her left shoulder, and he turned to see him looking down at her, a slight smile on his face. “Now where have you been hiding, hmm?”
Vivian knew he was referring to the fact that she had last spent some ‘quality time’ with Mulciber and not him, but he didn’t seem to mind. He seemed to find it amusing, more than anything. But Rodolphus was the top dog around here, it seemed; he was the Quidditch captain, at least, making him Mulciber’s captain, and that seemed to make him something of the ‘alpha’. He had stepped back in to claim what he wanted, and Mulciber wasn’t trying to reclaim what he had once had. He deferred to Lestrange. Vivian found it all very amusing.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” she replied. Vivian’s voice was slightly lower than the average, and when she wanted to sound particularly alluring (like now, for instance) she could play that up even more.

“You look very pretty tonight,” he said, brushing a strand of hair back from her face, playing the gentleman because it seemed to amuse him, Vivian knew. Rodolphus was more of her equal than the other boys, and that made him more interesting. He was a good distraction.

“Yes,” Vivian replied, simply, with an amused smile of her own. She looked good and she knew it. Rodolphus’ eyebrow quirked and he smiled. The eyebrow raise in particular suddenly reminded her of Theo, and she hastily took another drink. She could already feel herself starting to get drunk. Now that she was reminded of him she felt more aware of him. Though she avoided looking over at him, she knew he was in the room. She had seen him out of the corner of her eye when she’d walked in. But Vivian wouldn’t let herself think about Theo; instead she turned her attention back to Rodolphus.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian left Theo standing by the lake, and he watched her every second that she ran away, wondering what in the world was going to happen. Somewhere in his gut he knew, but he forced himself to push the idea that Vivian wouldn't speak to him in the back of his mind. Instead, he went and rummaged through the Slytherin locker room and went out for a bit of practice. It felt good to hit something repeatedly. It was mindless and enabled him to think without actually having to sit still to do it. There were millions of questions running through Theo's mind that he couldn't wrap his head around.

Why had Vivian all of a sudden decide she loved him? And why in Merlin's name had she kissed him? He thought they'd had a talk about that a long time ago. But... no, those were their experiments.... This... love... was something completely different and it made Theo's stomach flop at the idea of it. Love was such a... strong, bonding emotion, and granted Vivian was the closest thing he'd ever had to family... but that was just it. She was like his family. That was one of the main reasons they stopped the experiments. Well, that and Vivian would never quite give him everything he wanted. But now that he knew about her parents... he didn't blame her for that one bit.

There was just too much to process, too much to think about. So Theo stayed on the pitch for quite a long time, until after it was dark. He was sure he'd gotten bruised by missing the bludger a few times, but he didn't care. He stayed on the pitch until he was exhausted and it hurt to move, and even then he wasn't quite ready to go inside. Mostly that was because he knew going inside, going to sleep meant that the next day would arise, and Theo knew what the next day would bring. Vivian would be gone. And Theo wasn't sure there was a way to get her back. Eventually, though, he headed inside, showered, and collapsed onto his bed, shutting his eyes and shutting out the entire world for a few hours.

But even his dreams were filled with confusion. He was plagued by Vivian kissing him and his rejection, his dreams playing it over and over again in his head. And when his alarm blared the next morning he felt like he'd gotten no sleep at all.

He didn't say much to his dorm mates, which was relatively unusual for him in the mornings, but he was too tired to want to deal with any of their nonsense. And when he got to the Great Hall he saw their usual spot... his usual spot with Vivian empty. His eyes scanned the table quickly and he saw her blonde hair sitting somewhere else. The sting he felt in his chest was painful and unexpected. And that was only the beginning. It was somewhat boring and mundane to eat breakfast without her, but once lessons were over things were even worse. Things felt... empty, different, less funny. He felt... lonely, which was odd for Theo because despite the fact that he was always surrounded by girls... Vivian wasn't there to make fun of them with him, and that was strange for him and he didn't like it.

*

And then the rumors started. Wilkes, Mulciber, Lestrange. All three of them told tales of sleeping with Vivian and how wonderful it had been. The thought made Theo disgusted. He wanted to be sick at the thought of all of those worms touching her the way they claimed to. His heart tightened whenever her name was brought up in the locker room, and he gritted his teeth every time, biting back the overwhelming urge to yell at them, or hit them. Both seemed like very good options. They spoke about Vivian like she was some kind of piece of meat, and it disgusted Theo to no end. It irked the very core of his being.

He hated the rumors. And a part of him hated her. How could she just up and abandon him? How could she just go around and take her feelings out on other people? You didn't do those kinds of things to people you supposedly love.

And then all at once Theo felt a twisting tightening in his gut and his heart at the same time and his head screamed at him - why do you care? What did it matter if she slept around... He'd never cared before... so why did he now? The realization hit him like a ton of bricks, and every part of him felt heavy and sick. Did he.... No... Could he? His stomach flopped and he mentally kicked himself. He couldn't have feelings for Vivian, could he?

The girls who usually hoarded around him only annoyed him now. Vivian wasn't there to make fun of them with him. He was alone. Sure, he had other friends, but none of them were ever quite like Vivian. They didn't get him the way that she did, and Merlin knew he didn't know anyone half as well as he knew her.

And then he realized that this was how she must have felt. For those long two weeks. The thought of Vivian touching anyone, being touched by anyone drove Theo up a wall because she deserved so much better than that. But... was he better than that? He was the one who rejected her... but it was .... it was a lot to take in all at once,

But he had taken in quite enough of these rumors. Vivian either loved him or she didn't, but Theo still knew what Vivian was doing wasn't something you did to people you loved.

*

It was another party. Your typical Slytherin party, a bunch of people getting together, getting drunk, and, most of the time, doing some pretty stupid things. Theo stood in a corner, sans a shirt as he usually was when he was inside, in his comfort zone. He was observing the party with a drink in hand. Mostly he was just staring at her. He was surrounded by other people, sure, but he wasn't particularly paying attention to anything that was being said. He was too distracted by the feeling in his stomach, and then Rodolphus Lestrange approached her and Theo felt his blood run hot. He had been the person to most recently talk of his conquests with Vivian... and Theo had had quite enough.

"Excuse me," Theo said to the girl that had been whining about... something... to his left without bothering to even look at her. He left his place where he'd been leaning up against the wall and making his way over to the pair of them. He'd only caught a glimpse of their conversation and already Theo was gritting his teeth. It was the first time he'd managed to catch Vivian out in the open since everything at the lake... and to put that he was nervous was slightly... er, putting it lightly. But he was never nervous around Vivian before. Maybe it was because he wasn't sure if she hated him or not. He was pretty sure she probably did, but he wasn't about to just let her slip down this road of disaster if he could help it.

"Lestrange," he greeted Rodolphus with a small grin. Despite the fact that his skin was crawling with nerves and anger Rodolphus wasn't a bad guy. He believed in blood purity and hated mudbloods just like Theo, but he was the object of Vivian's.... "affections," and that was not okay with Theo. Not anymore. He turned his brown eyes to Vivian and for the first time looked at her in a totally different light. Rodolphus had been right. She did look pretty. But it was more than that. She was beautiful.

Theo kept his face free of emotion as he stared at Vivian for a moment, almost forgetting why he'd approached them in the first place. It had been such a long time, well, it felt like forever, since he'd last seen Vivian it was nice to be able to just look at her and remember all of the things they'd shared in the past.

"Vivian..." he greeted her, offering her a wide grin. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" His voice was strong and unwavering and natural, as it always was. Vivian was still Vivian whether she hated him or not, and he would treat her no different than he always had.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian saw him move out of the corner of her eye, uncomfortably aware of him no matter how much she tried to deny it. She forced herself not to look as Theo started to move across the room, forcing herself to focus on Rodolphus, even when she was sure that he was headed right towards them.

It reminded her of when she and Rodolphus had been out in the grounds together that first time. For a long moment her mind had wanted so desperately to wander towards Theo, and she had stopped herself. She had focused on Rodolphus Lestrange, making herself think of him over and over. And that was what she was doing now.

But she couldn't help the reaction to Theo walking towards them. Her heart started to pound and her hands felt sweaty. Her heart felt like it was in her throat. She took another long drink, draining the glass. Her stomach flipped and tied itself in knots at the same time. She wasn't sure if she was ready for this. She didn't know if she could handle it.

Vivian looked up as Theo approached them. The sight of him felt like a kick to the stomach, and the emptiness inside of her intensified painfully. She missed him so much it hurt. And he was so close. Vivian looked at him, not sure if she was making herself or if she couldn't stop herself. He was shirtless, like he always seemed to be when he was just hanging out in the common room, and the sight seemed to make her head go funny. It suddenly became that much harder to concentrate. And then his face, his dark brown eyes, his scruffy hair and unshaved stubble. He looked impossibly good, like everything she'd ever wanted... because he was.

She felt her body, or her heart, or whichever part of her that just wasn't able to reason, long to be closer to him. It was like something was tugging her towards him. But rational thought pulled her back. She had already thrown herself at Theo once, and been rejected. She wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

"Theo!" She heard Rodolphus say cheerily, clapping his team mate on the shoulder. "I hear you're putting in extra practice. Thats good," he looked at Vivian and grinned, "got to have my beater in tip-top shape."

Vivian forced herself to smile, but didn't say anything, instead running a hand through her long hair. Rodolphus saw that her glass was empty, and grabbed another one from a near by table, taking her empty glass and pushing the full one into her hand. Vivian drank automatically, still stealing glances at Theo, and then he asked her if he could have a minute.

Yes, she thought, instantly. Yes of course he could, he could have a minute, an hour, a lifetime... She had missed him so much and she wanted so much to talk to him again. Maybe it wouldn't hurt if she just went with him now, if they talked for a little bit... and she could start trying to forget him again tomorrow.

"Come on, Theo," Vivian heard Rodolphus answering before she could. And then she felt a arm snake around her waist, pulling her close. She looked up at him with dead eyes.
"The lady's just got herself another drink." He winked at Theo- he thought Vivian didn't see, but she did- as though sharing an inside joke. Like some sort of male code of conduct came into play here. Vivian was pretty sure she knew what the term was; don't 'cock block'.

She silently thanked Rodolphus from saving her from herself, no matter how inadvertently he had done so. She had been dangerously close to going with Theo, and what would that get her? More tears, more humiliation? She had barely made any progress at all, and she didn't want to take a step backwards. She knew Rodolphus only wanted one thing from her, but she didn't care. She'd tried 'love', and where had that gotten her? Maybe it was better this way. Maybe this was the sort of thing she was made for.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Rodolphus clapped him on the shoulder and said he'd heard he'd been having solo practices. Theo grinned as he said he needed his beater in tip-top shape. He smirked at Rodolphus before raising a brow.

"Come on, Rod, don't act like I'm not the best one out there," he said with a cocky grin, not missing a beat. But when it came time for Vivian to answer his question.. Rodolphus answered for her? He watched as Rodolphus handed her another drink, and Vivian drank practically without thinking. He wondered how many she'd had. No, he didn't wonder. He knew. He'd been watching her down drinks left and right, and the fact that Rodolphus was only pumping more alcohol into her made him angry, but the small wink he threw in Theo's direction was what broke the camel's back.

His blood grew hot inside his veins as he gritted his teeth, wondering for a moment how to respond. It didn't take someone who was blind to figure out what he meant. Theo knew exactly what Rodolphus' plans were for Vivian, and so did Rodolphus, and so did Vivian. His eyes left Rodolphus and found Vivian for a moment, wondering if she would answer for herself. But she stood there, silent as a lamb following its shepherd. So he turned his eyes back to Rodolphus, and at first he smirked. And then he let out a a sarcastic kind of laughed. He got Rodolphus' message loud and clear, but he'd never been one for listening to boundaries or rules.

"I don't remember asking you if you wanted to chat, Rod. Why don't you let the girl answer for herself?" he asked, keeping his composure the best he could, fighting the urge to ball his fist and punch Roddolphus right in that winking eye. But he fought the urge and kept his voice calm and even, no matter how angry he was on the inside.

He felt his heart tightening in his chest and his stomach flopped as he turned his attention back to Vivian, silently begging for her to agree, to say yes, to just work this whole thing out. There had been a major void in his life since she'd left and even if she wanted to hear nothing about his realization, about the fact that.... that he did love her too... even if she didn't want to hear any of that... she had to know that he missed her. He knew that she knew. She had to know. She had to miss him just as much. But he wanted it to hear it from her. Somehow he thought that would make a difference. Or maybe it was all just wishful thinking.

Still, he looked at Vivian, straight in the eye, raising a brow. It was silent, but he silently asked her a thousand questions. Him? He's who you want to be with? Is this really what you want?

But eventually he spoke.

"Vivian?" he asked, nodding in any direction other than where they currently stood.

[/blockquote]

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian didn't like the way Rod answered for her, or the way she just stood in silence, but she didn't trust herself to speak. She wasn't one of those girls who let a boy tell her what to do, or run her life. No one spoke for her. She spoke for herself. But as much as she wanted to be strong, she didn't know if she was really strong enough. Love made you weak. And right now it was crumbling her from the inside out.

But Theo didn't take that lying down, just like Vivian had known he wouldn't. He laughed along with Rodolphus, but there was an edge to it. At the sound of his laugh Vivian felt Rodolphus' arm tighten slightly, though his face remained pleasant. He was good at that, she thought. At coming across as charming when really he was deadly. In that way he reminded her of her step dad.

Theo said that Vivian should answer for herself, and privately Vivian agreed, even if she hated the idea. She didn't want to, and it would be so much easier just to hide from all this, but she had to make a decision and stick to it. And then she at least had to do Theo the courtesy of looking him in the eye and answering him herself.

She wasn't sure what he wanted to talk about, but she thought she could guess. Maybe he wanted to ask if they could put all of this behind them. If they could be friends again, just go back to the way things were. Maybe he missed her. She hoped he did, despite herself. But she couldn't go back. She couldn't live every day being his friend and let her love for him slowly kill her. Vivian didn't want that life. All her life she had been trapped in one way or another, and she wouldn't make another prison for herself. Even if it was the hardest thing she ever had to do, even if she broke her own heart in the process, she had to try and move on. Vivian knew she'd never be able to forget about Theo. But she could at least try.

Rodolphus was silent this time, an eyebrow raised as though to say 'well, go on then'. If Theo wanted to let the 'girl' speak for herself, then he'd hear what she had to say.

Theo was staring at her with his best puppy dog eyes, and Vivian's heart ached. She never wanted to say no to him, or to hurt him, but she had to think of herself, too. If she looked back now, she didn't know if she'd ever find the strength to leave him again. Her eyes looked into his, and she tried to tell him how sorry she was without words.
I miss you so much, she thought, I love you so much. I'm so sorry.

She knew that if Theo wanted their friendship back that this would hurt him. It seemed like they couldn't avoid hurting each other.

"I'm talking to Rod right now." She answered, her voice slightly hallow although she tried to sound normal.

I'm sorry....

Rodolphus gave a sort of shrug, grinning slightly.
"Sorry mate," he said, giving Theo another clap on the shoulder. He made to pull her away, and just before he did Vivian let her hand reach out and lightly brush the back of Theo's. The touch was so light and brief it almost wasn't there, and her eyes didn't leave his. She just wanted some way to let him know she was sorry. Of course she cared about him. But she couldn't stay. Rodolphus didn't notice, and his arm around her waist was tugging her away.

He pulled her over to the drinks table where he got her yet another drink, and Vivian drank, looking for an escape. She was starting to feel really drunk now. And then she felt Rod's lips on hers, and he was kissing her hard. And she knew that Theo could see. She knew that was what Rod had wanted. The thought of Theo thinking of her as some kind of slut was gut wrenching, but she kissed Rod back anyway, her hands holding onto her drink rather than him, her eyes squeezed tightly shut to hide the tears that had filled them.

"Now that we've gotten rid of our little interruption," Rodolphus was saying in her ear, "what do you say to heading upstairs?"

Vivian nodded, automatically. She needed a distraction like nothing else. It felt like she had just put the last nail in the coffin of her relationship with Theo. She was sticking to her resolve to move on. She was really doing this. She'd never felt more lost.

He took her up to his dorm and pushed her on the bed, and all she could think about was another time when she had lain on Theo's bed, when the two of them had locked the door and hidden under the covers and kissed and laughed and wrapped themselves in each others arms. The alcohol lessened her inhibitions considerably, and Rodolphus got further than he had previously, though still not by much. Vivian couldn't stand to let him get too far. And this time it wasn't the thought of her past that stopped her. All she could think was 'this should be you.'

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Theo stood in silence, staring at Vivian feeling nervous and exposed and a host of other feelings that didn't normally register, and in that instant he knew exactly how Vivian felt that day at the lake. She was standing there, throwing himself at him, begging him to take her, and he was an idiot to throw her away. He knew what it felt like to be hoping so badly for a certain kind of reaction from her, something he never had to worry about before. Before this wouldn't have even been a question. Theo would have asked, Vivian would have said yes, they would have talked and laughed and hung out like they always had.

But now.... now things were different, and as Theo stood there, desperately hoping that Vivian would just say yes and they could get this whole thing over with. He tried to convey with a simple look just how badly he missed her, how badly he wanted to talk... But there was something in Vivian's eyes that told him to prepare himself for hurt. There was just some kind of look in her eyes. And he saw Rodolphus exchange a kind of look with her, despite the fact that she was still staring at him.

And then she spoke. And Theo felt disappointment and hurt wash over him, his heart sinking within his chest. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, as if willing her answer back to her, as if she hadn't just denied talking to him. He didn't even want her to love him back if she didn't want to. He hurt her, he broke her heart, and he knew that now, but he had just wanted to talk, to let her know the truth.

And as he stared at her, he could tell in her eyes that she was sorry, but it did nothing to make him feel better. He didn't know who this person was anymore. This girl was nothing like the Vivian he knew last month let alone the Vivian he'd known since he was a child.

His heart felt like it was breaking within his chest as Rodolphus clapped him on the shoulder and said sorry. Douche. Theo shrugged it off as if it were no big deal, but it was probably the biggest deal ever. The swallowed the lump that was forming in his chest, and ignored the numbness that he felt flowing through his veins. He watched as Vivian was tugged away, refusing to look away no matter how badly this felt like salt in an already gaping wound. Disappointment and hurt tore him apart from the inside out, but never took his eyes off her. Not when she downed another drink. Not when she kissed Rodolphus and he had his hands all around her. Not when she started up the stairs to the seventh year boys dorm. He stood there, watching every second of it, not allowing himself the pleasure of being ignorant.

He wanted to be absolutely positive that this was the path that Vivian was choosing, and it was. The felt a stinging sensation at his eyes and allowed only a single tear to roll down his cheek before wiping it away in anger. Anger at Rodolphus for being scum and being so much less than she deserved, anger with himself for letting her slip right through his fingers when she wanted him, and anger with her for not even giving him the time of day. She was selfish, and cold, and everything he'd changed in her felt like it was gone. She felt like someone he'd just met, not someone he laid with in bed years ago, not someone he spent the past six years laughing with. Not someone he loved with all of his heart.

She was a stranger to him now and it broke his heart in more ways than he ever imagined it could. Her rejection had cut through him like a hot knife, picking him apart limb by limb, slowly, as his blood turned numb within his veins. But more than her rejection... he realized that she wasn't even interested in associating with him at all anymore, and that realization hurt more than anything else. He felt a lump forming in his throat and he picked up a drink out of one of the coolers around the room and chugged it before grabbing another and flopping down on the couch. He said nothing to the girls who flocked around him, and eventually his misery consumed him to the point where the girls stopped flaunting over him. They left him alone, which was exactly he wanted to be.

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