You Belong With Me (Theo)

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian was sitting by the lake by herself, thinking.

This was highly unusual for her. It was odd to see Vivian by herself, never mind just... thinking. Vivian didn't like to be quiet, she didn't like to sit and think and have her mind wander. She liked distractions, and she liked fun. She didn't like to be bored. And, more often than not, Vivian Blackwell could be found in the presence of Theodore Nott. Its not like they were joined at the hip, but more often than not they were together, at least in their spare time. Vivian and Theo were in different years at school, but if Vivian wasn't off doing something 'fun' and Theo wasn't at Quidditch practice, than more often than not the two of them would be together. But it was because of Theo that Vivian was in such a thoughtful mood now.

The week before last, the two of them had sat near the spot she was sitting in now, and Vivian had confessed her biggest secret to Theo; she had told him all about her childhood, and about her home life. Now that she had told him she didn't know why she had waited so long. Theo had held her and comforted her, and since then, Vivian... well, she hadn't exactly felt better, because mostly she didn't feel things either way, but it did seem like something had clicked into place. The world seemed just a little bit more 'right', now that she had told Theo.

And since then... she had been experiencing some extremely strange things. At first she had thought she was ill, that maybe there was something wrong with her stomach, that she was about to come down with a particularly nasty stomach flu. But after she had gone to Madam Pomfrey and been told she was fine, the strange feeling still wouldn't go away. When she was with Theo she felt softer than she normally did, like those hard defences that usually stopped her from feeling much of anything at all were weakening. Now that she had opened up to him about her past, she felt herself opening up to him in more ways, too.

Then she had had a dream.

Vivian never dreamed. Her nights were usually a blank. If she had dreamed, she would have expected to have had nightmares. But this had been a different kind of dream. She had dreamt about Theo. In her dream he had come to her and kissed her, and it had been so different from the slightly mechanical kisses they had shared when they had been younger. They were wrapped up in each other and it had felt... well, indescribable. Especially for Vivian, who often felt nothing. And when she woke the feeling took a while to fade.

She thought about the dream all the next day, and she knew she had been acting strangely, but she hadn't told Theo what was up with her. She started to think less about the dream and more about the real Theo. She wondered what kissing him like that would be like. Slowly she'd started to think about Theo more and more, started to see him in a different light. It was more like realising feelings then developing them. Usually Vivian ran from anything to do with emotions, and it was true she was terrified, but it all felt so... in one way good, in another, intoxicating. Not that she had focused in class before, but now she found her mind always on Theo. She had had more dreams about him, all of them pleasant.

But when she was with him she ached for... something. It was like she couldn't quite put her finger on it. She ached to kiss him and be wrapped up in him, and more than that, to share all of this with him, all of what she was feeling. It was made all the harder by the fact that these new feelings were maddening, and she had no one to ask about them. Theo was her only real friend. She would have talked to Theo, if the feelings hadn't been for him.

She saw him with other girls and jealously ripped at her gut, twisting inside of her. Vivian had never felt jealous before, and at first hadn't understood at all. But then she realised what it meant, why she wanted to claw the eyes from those other girls. He flirted with them and at a party one night she had seen him kissing a fellow sixth year. It had put her in such a foul mood that she had left. Vivian didn't know if he had slept with the girl, but the thought made her feel sick.

It was so confusing and mind boggling that Vivian knew Theo had noticed a difference in her behaviour. She was quiet, and she knew sometimes she was acting strangely. But... she didn't know how to deal with how she felt. She thought that if she didn't find a way to reconcile these feelings soon, she'd explode. Because she loved him. She loved him in a way she hadn't even realised. It was like something long ago had taken root inside of her, and it had grown so slowly and so steadily she hadn't even noticed it happening. Slowly it had crept into every part of her, and now it was as much a part of her as anything else.

Vivian felt like a walking cliché; she couldn't sleep, she couldn't eat, she couldn't think clearly. And she hated it, it was maddening to be controlled this way. But rather than long for the feelings to leave, she longed for something else. She longed for Theo. The thought of him kissing her was so sweet that her longing left her breathless.

She lay back on the grass, and screwed her eyes shut. Vivian was so inept at handling emotions, that handling an emotionally charged situation like this seemed impossible. But... this was Theo. She had to be able to talk to him, right? She had talked to him about her step-dad, why not this? He had told her that he could never hate her, not even if he tried. Vivian was so wrapped up in these new feelings that she couldn't stop to contemplate their possible consequences.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

To say it had been a long week was an understatement. Two weeks ago Theo had been sitting around the lake with Vivian and she had told him all about her parents and what they'd done to her as a child. The thought of it still made Theo grit his teeth and want to punch something, but he'd been pretty good at not thinking about it at all (he didn't tend to think about much really, except women, potions, and women). But he still couldn't wrap his head around why anyone's parents would do that to them, but he made it his mission to be there for Vivian if she needed him and he was. He'd wrapped a caring arm around her and made sure she was okay, and she was, she always was. She was a fighter, that much was clear.

But... after she'd left for Double Potions that day things started to get a little weird. Not on his part, he was still being the same old him he'd always been... but Vivian had started acting really weird. In fact, she'd just been avoiding him completely, so it had been two weeks of trying to catch Vivian to see what in Merlin's name was up with her and being evaded every single time. Theo didn't feel particularly lonely without her, he had the Quidditch guys and stuff, and naturally he always had someone hanging all over him, but, Vivian was the person he was always with, so to be kind of chasing her was kind of odd. She was always usually there, and now she wasn't, and Theo hadn't a clue why.

He continued to be who he was, trying his best to ignore how utterly perplexed he felt about everything with Vivian. It was mostly perplexing just because he hadn't a clue as to what had happened, and the fact that she wasn't voluntarily offering up the information made him worry. What had happened? Could it possibly have been worse than what she'd told him about her parents? It couldn't be. Nothing could be worse than that and Theo knew it. So, then what was the problem?

The Slytherins held a party, like they so often did, and Theo had kissed one of his fellow sixth years, which he did quite often, but something had gotten into Vivian into such a bad mood that she left. Theo asked people where she'd went, but no one knew. He didn't have a clue as to where she'd gotten to, so he went back to what he was doing. She was his best friend, but he wasn't her guardian. Vivian was a big girl and Theo knew quite well that Vivian could undoubtedly take care of herself.

But... her leaving the party had been his bending point. Something was bothering her, a lot, and he was going to find out what it was. He'd checked everywhere else she could possibly be and he felt kind of stupid one he saw her lying there by the lake. It was odd to see her sitting there, staring off in thought when usually she was by his side, laughing and nagging that she was bored.

He heaved a small sigh before walking over to where she was sitting. When he finally reached her he looked at her, his brow raised as if trying to tell her she had some major explaining to do.

"What has been up with you lately , Viv? You've been weird," he said making a slight face, remembering her odd behavior and avoiding him. He thought that they'd established two weeks ago that he could tell her anything, but apparently he'd been wrong to assume.

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[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

Vivian hadn't heard anyone approaching, the grass effectively muffling their footsteps, but she heard when someone sighed from somewhere behind her. She opened her eyes, still lying on her back, so she was staring up at the sky, and listened. Now that she was listening she could just about hear their footsteps as they approached, and she didn't need to look to know who it was. It was Theo. No one else would ever approach her, especially not when she was on her own.

Her stomach did a nervous kind of flip, and she realised that her palms felt sweaty. She silently cursed her body for its subtle betrayals. It was hard to concentrate when your stomach was filled with butterflies. She didn't know how most people dealt with these kind of feelings on a regular basis. They made her feel so jumpy she thought she was likely to jump in the lake.

Then Theo appeared above her, raising his eyebrow and giving her his best 'we need to talk' face. She knew that he had noticed her odd behaviour, but she hadn't thought it had been that bad. Theo wasn't normally one for seeking her out to talk about feelings. That was why he was such a great friend, he didn't hound her and demand to know what was wrong all the time. He knew she could handle herself, and that if she wanted to talk she would. So the fact that he had found her to ask her what was wrong meant that she must have been acting bat-shit crazy these past two weeks. She sincerely hoped no one but Theo had noticed; that would be embarrassing. The thought of anyone knowing that Vivian Blackwell was love-sick made her cringe.

Vivian stood up almost as soon as Theo appeared over her, not liking the vulnerable feeling it gave her, and unable to sit still when inside she was such a flurry of emotion. He looked good, like he always did. His curly hair was slightly windswept from being outside. Even from where she was standing she could smell him, and that was all it took to bring back that longing, aching feeling.

"Nothing," she answered, instinctively, "nothings wrong, I'm fine." She scowled slightly at her own lie. Was that what she was reduced to? Lying because she actually cared what people thought? Lying to Theo like it mattered?

"Fine," she said, after a pause, "fine, something is up." Vivian ran a hand through her hair, looking at Theo. She tried to decide what to do. One thing she was sure of, she couldn't keep going on like this. It was absolutely exhausting, and avoiding Theo was starting to wear very thin. She didn't really have anyone else to distract herself with, and since she hadn't been hanging out with Theo so much other people had started buzzing around her like flies. If she wasn't so wrapped up in her problems, she would have been intolerably bored. But it seemed like thinking about Theo kept her occupied.

She had tried to make the feelings go away, but they hadn't. Nothing worked. Maybe if she told Theo, he'd understand. Maybe if she kissed him he'd want to kiss her too.

That thought was so intoxicating it knocked her sideways. Kissing Theo, and him kissing her back, wanting her too... she bit her lip slightly. That was what she wanted.

But how, how could he not see it? He was the one who understood emotions better than she ever would, he was the one who knew her like the back of his hand. If he could just figure it out then she wouldn't have to go through all this.
"Theo, you idiot..." she said, exasperated, looking at him annoyed.

Was she really going to do this? She wasn't sure. Saying it seemed like the hardest thing in the world. But this was stupid. This was so, so stupid. She wasn't some scared little girl. She was Vivian Blackwell, and Vivian Blackwell was not scared of boys... not even Theo.

Now or never.

Vivian made her decision, and in a couple of quick steps she had closed the gap between them. She put one hand on his shoulder and the other wound around his neck, pulling him close to her. For a moment she hesitated, her lips about an inch from his, her slightly uneven breath brushing against his lips, and then she kissed him.

The kiss was slow and soft and deep, and surprisingly tender, coming from Vivian. It was the culmination of years of friendship, of smiles and teasing, of a shoulder to cry on, of unwavering support and letting the other person know you so well it was scary. But most of all, it was love.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Vivian stood up almost as soon as soon as he arrived, though he wasn't sure why. He had planned to sit down with her, but apparently she'd had other plans. And then she lied. Theo stared at her, his brows raised. She couldn't really have expected him to believe that. But she went on with it, saying she was fine, that nothing was wrong. She was a horrible liar. Perhaps not to most people, but to him she would always be a horrible liar. He could read her like a book... Well, most of the time. These past two weeks kind of threw him for a loop. He couldn't quite read why she'd been acting so weird, but he'd avoided asking. If she wanted to tell him, she would. That was what he had told himself all week, and all the week before... but one guy could only take so much weird before he said something about it.

But just as he opened his mouth to call her out on her lie she corrected herself. Part of Theo wondered if Vivian was changing completely. She should have known he'd see right through her lie, so why did she feel the need to tell him that something was wrong? Eventually she conceded and admitted to something being wrong. She ran a hand through her hair, and then said nothing.

"Well then? Come on, out with it..." he stared at her, wondering what in Merlin's name could possibly be that hard to tell him. Honestly, you would think after telling him what happened with her parents that everything else was kind of a minor thing. What could possibly be harder to say then that? But Vivian remained standing there, unspeaking, staring around as if she were fighting with herself. Theo heaved another heavy sigh. Really, this shouldn't be that hard. But then... she did speak. But... wait a minute, she called him an idiot? And she was glaring at him?

What in Merlin's name had he done!? She was the one who was acting like a lunatic, not him. She was the one who had gone so far off-script he wasn't even sure they were in the same movie anymore, let alone the same scene. He stood there, staring at her, but before he could actually voice any of this she was walking toward him. She placed a hand on his shoulder and Theo's eyes got wide for only a split-second before her hand was wrapped around his neck. He could feel Vivian's breath on his lips and this was a closeness that he didn't expect and wasn't sure he wanted.

"V- but he didn't get further than a simple syllable before Vivian was kissing him... SHE WAS KISSING HIM! And it was... well it was kind of nice... But it was Vivian!

The kiss only lasted for a few seconds, but even Theo could tell the passion Vivian held for him. He placed his hands firmly on her shoulders and pulled his lips from her, disentangling himself from her arms, but still managing to hold her in place so she'd not be able to run away.

What in Merlin's name was this all about?! His mouth hung open for a second, his brows scrunched together, confused.

"Woah, woah, woah," he said, looking her in the eye. What... what was going on?! What had gotten into her? He looked at her, at a loss for words for the first time... well, probably in their whole friendship. What could he say to that? What could he possibly even begin to think? Was that why she was so weird lately? Because... Oh... Merlin's pants. Had Vivian fallen for him? But how? When?! And why was he so totally caught off-guard by it?

"Vivian... I..." Well great job articulating, Theo.... "Is that why you've been acting so off? Because... because you fancy me?" He raised a brow at her, confused and perplexed. How in Merlin's name could she fancy him?! He was an asshole, and most girls liked that about him... but Vivian had always been that one person who was constantly trying to bring is over-inflated ego back down to earth. He was pretty sure that if they hadn't already been friends she would probably hate him. Where did all of this come from?

[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

The kiss only lasted for a moment, but finally kissing him after thinking about it almost non stop for two weeks felt incredible. More than incredible. It was so short, it could only have been a few seconds, but time seemed to stop. Vivian's heart was pounding in her chest, and she registered every tiny detail, the way Theo smelt, the feel of his lips, how he tasted...

And then she felt his hands on her shoulders, and he was pushing her away. Rejection washed over her, white hot and cruel. Vivian had never been rejected before, not by anyone, and the fact that was it Theo... he removed himself from her arms, but kept his hands on her shoulders, holding her in place presumably so she couldn't run. He knew her well; running was exactly what she felt like doing right now.

Her heart felt like it was in her throat, and there was a clawing sensation in her gut. She felt humiliated because she had thrown herself at Theo and he had just pushed her away, but mostly she just felt hurt. And Vivian hated every second of it. And she hated him, for making her feel this way. For making her feel at all. She had been fine, absolutely fine, until Theo...

She wrenched herself from his grasp as he asked if she fancied her. Vivian refused to be held in place like that, forced to look him in the eye right now. She swallowed hard, trying to find her voice.

She didn't fancy Theo... she was in love with him. Even now as she hated him for rejecting her, for not kissing her back, she felt like she would die for love of him. She folded her arms across herself in a defensive, self-comforting gesture, without realising she was doing it.

"No," she said, finally speaking, her voice quieter than it had been before, and slightly rough. She refused to be relegated to the role of love-sick little girl. She didn't 'fancy' him, this wasn't just a crush. Vivian would never allow herself to lose her head over something so silly. Some masochistic part of herself wanted to see this through right to the end. If he was going to reject her then fine, but he'd know all of it.

Even now, the desire to throw her arms around him was almost overwhelming. And if she did, if he knew she was hurting right now and how much she needed it, he would hug her back. He would hold her, like he had before. But she couldn't make him want her the way she wanted him. She couldn't make him love her. And she didn't want to make him. She just wished, almost more than she had wished for anything in her life, that he could love her back. But maybe he just couldn't. Maybe there was something wrong with her. She knew she was different, she had always known, ever since she came to Hogwarts. She didn't feel things like other people did. She was cold and uncaring. She was different. But that didn't mean she couldn't love him just as well as anyone else.

"I love you, Theo."

The words hung in the air after she said them, but she couldn't bring herself to wish them back. Even if he rejected her again, even if he laughed in her face, they were out there. Vivian looked at Theo defiantly, but her eyes were soft, she knew, and she hated that.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Theo stood shrouded in the awkward silence of the moment, staring at Vivian, the question hanging in the air. But then she wrenched herself away from him, like his hands on her had burned her. His eyebrows furrowed together. She was hurt, and Theo wasn't exactly sure why. Had she expected him to kiss her back? Had she expected something to come of it? Surely she must have. He could tell by the look in her eyes that she was upset, but... why?! It's not like either of them had ever shown any kind of affection towards the other before. Not to mention the fact that during their little experimental stage Vivian always cut it off right when things got good. And now she was kissing him? What in Merlin's name going on with the world?!

And then finally she spoke. It was a simple no. She didn't fancy Theo. So then what was the big problem!? If she didn't fancy him than why had she kissed him? And if she hadn't fancied him then why in Merlin's name was she so bloody upset? What had come over her in that instance? Was she possessed by some ghost? Had she been bewitched by someone? And the more Theo's confusion grew as did the awkwardness of the situation until Theo felt physically uncomfortable. He looked around the empty grounds, hoping to see some sign of something, of someone who had played this trick on the both of them. But it wasn't a trick, or a joke, and if it had been it wasn't a very funny one. He stared at her and he could tell she was internally debating, standing there, silent.

"Well then if you don't fancy me what's going on?" he asked, half-annoyed and mostly confused, his head tilted ever so slightly to the side. This girl standing in front of him felt foreign and strange, it didn't feel like he was talking to the Vivian he'd known so long ago. Vivian had called him many a name before, and an idiot was certainly one that came up quite often, but it was never like this. This had never happened before. Nothing like it. And then a thought hit him - did Vivian want to continue their experiments? No... she would have just said something. The both of them agreed it would be too strange to continue, anyway. That had been their deal.

And then she spoke again, and Theo almost asked 'what' but he knew perfectly well what she had said. ... Love? She loved him? If there was ever a concept that was foreign to Theodore Nott it was the concept of love. He had never loved another human being save for his mother, and even that was tainted with painful memories. Love was something Theodore Nott knew nothing about. And loving Vivian of all people? Romantically loving her? It was... overwhelming. It was insane. She was like a sister to him.

Theo felt his head spinning from shock layered on top of confusion layered on top of stress. He stared at her, his brain partially unable to comprehend what she had just said. The words explained everything and nothing all at the same time. Actually, it only explained her being offended by his not kissing her - it certainly didn't explain where all of this came from.

And what was he supposed to say to that? How could she possibly expect him to respond? It was so sudden and foreign and weird. This was Vivian. They were like siblings! How could she... when did she...?

He cleared his throat once, staring kind of awkwardly at the ground for a few minutes before looking back up at her.

"Vivian... I don't know what you want me to say," he said, feeling the slightest bit guilty though he wasn't sure why. He had rejected many girls who claimed to love him before, but none of them were ever this close to him and in his life quite so much as Vivian had been. But he stood there, allowing another awkward silence to build up around them... his brain unable to comprehend a single solid thought.

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[VIVIAN HOPE BLACKWELL]

The shock on Theo's face was obvious. Theo had never been particularly good at controlling his face, and especially not when he was caught off guard. And obviously, Vivian had caught him off guard in quite a spectacular fashion. She knew that it was a bit... well, out of the blue. But it had taken her by surprise, too. She hadn't expected to feel this way. And now that she did... well, she hadn't known how to go about it. Was there protocol for telling your best friend you were in love with them? No, probably not. So she'd just had to try her best.

When she had kissed Theo she had done it almost without thinking. She certainly hadn't thought of the outcome or the possible consequences. Only now did she realise just how desperately she had been hoping that he would kiss her back. The thought of it, even now, made her ache. A huge part of her just wanted to throw her arms around him and kiss him again, kiss him until he understood, until he felt what she was feeling... but the burn of his rejection held her back.

The look of slight horror on Theo's face was painful to see. He just stared at her. Vivian felt like her ears weren't working properly; the world around her seemed to have gone deathly silent. All she could hear was Theo, his voice cutting through to her.

"...I don't know what you want me to say."

Vivian felt like all the air had been knocked out of her lungs.
Stupid, stupid girl, she thought to herself, did you expect he'd say he loved you back? Had she really thought that was how this was going to work out? That Theo would say he loved her too and kiss her and wrap his arms around her and tell her that no one was going to hurt her again? That they'd walk off into the sunset together and it would be all 'happily ever after'? That wasn't how life worked. At least, that wasn't how her life worked. Life wasn't a fairy tale, and if it were Vivian wouldn't be the princess. She may look the part, but inside she was twisted and dark. Damaged goods. Theo would sweep some other girl off her feet. Not Vivian. Not her. Stupid...

Her heart was breaking and she fought to keep her face impassive.

"Yes you do." She said, her voice quiet, almost a whisper. He knew what she wanted him to say. But he didn't. Theo didn't love her back.

Vivian felt tears threaten to fill her eyes.
Stop it, she told herself firmly, stop. He doesn't want you. Are you going to let him see you cry, too?

She cleared her throat and held her head up, shaking her long blonde hair back over one shoulder as she did so. She tried to look strong and held together, but her arms were still crossed firmly, wrapped around herself as though she were holding herself together. She made herself look Theo in the eye.
"I don't think there's any point dragging this out any further." she said, forcing her voice to be louder than it had been before.

Vivian turned away from Theo. When he couldn't see her face any more she squeezed her eyes tightly shut, trying to steady herself, trying to force down the tears, and most of all force down the emotions. She didn't want to feel any of this. She started to walk back towards the castle, quickly before Theo could stop her, although she wasn't sure where exactly she was going to go.

[THEODORE JACOB NOTT]

Theo watched in silence, a slight lump in his throat as Vivian seemed to crumble in front of him. She tried her best to stay strong, but he could tell inside that she was hurt. And a part of him hated himself for being the one that had hurt her. He'd been protective of her for their entire time at Hogwarts. He told himself to protect her all the time. And yet... now... now what could he do? He was the one who had caused her pain. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding through his nose as she spoke, her voice thick with emotion she was trying to hide. He tried to swallow away the guilty lump that continuously formed in his throat, but it was incessant in its return.

Vivian muttered a simple 'yes you do,' and then she was gone, practically running back to the castle. He wanted to stop her, but she didn't want to be stopped and he knew it. He sighed to himself, running a brisk hand through his curly hair, frustrated with himself. He watched as she walked away. He thought about the words she spoke before she went off. There wasn’t a point in dragging things out any further? Dragging what out? He frowned to himself, almost sure he humiliated her in some small way, but that was the opposite of what he’d meant to do. He didn’t… He didn’t know what he wanted or what he felt. It felt like he was in a foggy cloud of… nonsense. Vivian loved him? Since when? When did all of this happen?

He tried his best to put himself in her shoes, but found it near impossible. He couldn’t see how she’d ever developed those feelings for him. She was the one who wanted them to stop the experiments, but they both agreed that they’d taken on a new life that made things awkward. And now she kissed him, hard and good, and that wasn’t supposed to make things awkward? And then she threw love in there? Love? Theo didn’t even want to begin to think about love. It was… messy and strange and he wasn’t quite sure he was ready for that strange mess.

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